Dane Cook Jokes (PG14)
Dec 4, 2011 21:27:07 GMT -5
Post by joana on Dec 4, 2011 21:27:07 GMT -5
Have a Dane Cook joke you're just DYING to share with everyone? Heard of Dane Cook but don't wanna take the time to google him? Then come here! Share the Dane Cook love! BOARD THE DANE TRAIN!
This, this is may favorite Dane Cook Joke;
I watched Oprah the other day. I didn't mean to watch Oprah.
My tivo wanted to watch Oprah, so apparently I need to watch harpo for a little bit. I do watch Oprah, man. Oprah--it's fascinating. Harpo, she really entertains me. There are two kinds of Oprah shows, two.
There's one show that is very exciting. When she's talking about gadgets or she's going to interview celebrities, you know that Oprah show starts off exciting.
The theme music kicks in: Bee deep beep beep badee dee and the hand writing goes across the screen like, like WOOOSH; OPRAH.
Then oprah comes in on a fucking skateboard, high-fiving everybody, lollies off. And then she starts giving shit away. You know, she just likes to come on and, and every time, she gives more and more shit, like, bigger stuff. The other day, she came in, she goes, "everybody here gets a SCHOOL! YOU GET A SCHOOL! AND YOU GET A SCHOOL!" The whole audience is like, "What the hell am I gonna do with a fucking school?!"
"EVERYBODY HERE GETS A SCHOOL WITH A FULL FACULTY!" Are you fucking kidding me? Then, oh oh oh, then, she's like "Everybody here gets HUMPBACK WHALES!! YOU GET A HUMPBACK WHALE, and YOU get a humpback whale.
Every.
Body
Gets
HUMPBACK WHAAAALES!! Oh, and Harrison Ford is here!"
Fuck, yes, Oprah. God damn it, she's giving away whales and flying around the audience on a jet pack. WHOOSH. "Whooooo!"
But then, ho, ho, ho, ho, there's an entirely different Oprah show-- not so fun, not so carefree. And then oprah, she doesn't come in all silly. She doesn't come in through the stage like michael jackson on The Thriller Tour, no.
Oprah's just standing. Her silhouette, that's all you see. And then a light illuminates oprah. And then she just says it.
"Pedophiles. You could be a pedophile right now." And that's what her whole show is about. Her whole show is about pedophiles. And every single one of them was an uncle. Everybody here, I'm sure, has an uncle that diddled them at some point, right? Isn't it weird?
Everybody's got an uncle diddles that took you into a game closet somewhere and just batted your shit around for a minute, it's like, "what's this about?" And all you remember is laying there, looking up at the games. You know, Sorry and risk. Everything kind of pertained to what's happening.
Candyland, oh. I'm in molasses junction right now, and I can't get out. But here's what happened on the show, okay?
I'm here to warn you. I'm here to warn you. She starts talking during the pedophile show about these kidnappers and a way that you can find out who the kidnappers are in your neighborhood, in your community.
She starts talking about this website, familywatchdog.org.
"If you go to familywatchdog.org, you can type in your address and find out who these people are." And I thought, "that's awesome. Cool."
look at me right now. Don't do this. No bullshit. You don't want to know. I went to the website. I type in my address. I thought I'd hit "enter" and maybe it would show my place and then, like, three little dots. Uh-uh.
I live in rapeville.
I live in rapetopia.
There were so many dots that you couldn't even see my house. My house had to like push other dots out of the way.
"I'm here! I'm here!"
It scared the shit out of me. And it wasn't just red dots. There were so many different kinds of colors. It's like, red rapist dots and then, you know, pink pedophile dots. And there's, like blue are rapists who overeact. It was, like, all kinds of weird combinations. And one of the dots were in my building, in my building.
Maybe this is where they all are planning some kind of rape attack, and, like, this is it. And now they feel like I've infiltrated them, like, maybe they're rigged into my computer and the second I hit "enter," one of them's going to open the window: "he knows! The guy in 2b, he knows!"
Do not go to this site. You click on a dot, and it shows you a little picture. And then under the picture, stats, like a rapist baseball card. And if you collect all nine rapists, there's a puzzle on the back. There's a rickety van puzzle on the back with a clown holding a glass dildo.
This, this is may favorite Dane Cook Joke;
I watched Oprah the other day. I didn't mean to watch Oprah.
My tivo wanted to watch Oprah, so apparently I need to watch harpo for a little bit. I do watch Oprah, man. Oprah--it's fascinating. Harpo, she really entertains me. There are two kinds of Oprah shows, two.
There's one show that is very exciting. When she's talking about gadgets or she's going to interview celebrities, you know that Oprah show starts off exciting.
The theme music kicks in: Bee deep beep beep badee dee and the hand writing goes across the screen like, like WOOOSH; OPRAH.
Then oprah comes in on a fucking skateboard, high-fiving everybody, lollies off. And then she starts giving shit away. You know, she just likes to come on and, and every time, she gives more and more shit, like, bigger stuff. The other day, she came in, she goes, "everybody here gets a SCHOOL! YOU GET A SCHOOL! AND YOU GET A SCHOOL!" The whole audience is like, "What the hell am I gonna do with a fucking school?!"
"EVERYBODY HERE GETS A SCHOOL WITH A FULL FACULTY!" Are you fucking kidding me? Then, oh oh oh, then, she's like "Everybody here gets HUMPBACK WHALES!! YOU GET A HUMPBACK WHALE, and YOU get a humpback whale.
Every.
Body
Gets
HUMPBACK WHAAAALES!! Oh, and Harrison Ford is here!"
Fuck, yes, Oprah. God damn it, she's giving away whales and flying around the audience on a jet pack. WHOOSH. "Whooooo!"
But then, ho, ho, ho, ho, there's an entirely different Oprah show-- not so fun, not so carefree. And then oprah, she doesn't come in all silly. She doesn't come in through the stage like michael jackson on The Thriller Tour, no.
Oprah's just standing. Her silhouette, that's all you see. And then a light illuminates oprah. And then she just says it.
"Pedophiles. You could be a pedophile right now." And that's what her whole show is about. Her whole show is about pedophiles. And every single one of them was an uncle. Everybody here, I'm sure, has an uncle that diddled them at some point, right? Isn't it weird?
Everybody's got an uncle diddles that took you into a game closet somewhere and just batted your shit around for a minute, it's like, "what's this about?" And all you remember is laying there, looking up at the games. You know, Sorry and risk. Everything kind of pertained to what's happening.
Candyland, oh. I'm in molasses junction right now, and I can't get out. But here's what happened on the show, okay?
I'm here to warn you. I'm here to warn you. She starts talking during the pedophile show about these kidnappers and a way that you can find out who the kidnappers are in your neighborhood, in your community.
She starts talking about this website, familywatchdog.org.
"If you go to familywatchdog.org, you can type in your address and find out who these people are." And I thought, "that's awesome. Cool."
look at me right now. Don't do this. No bullshit. You don't want to know. I went to the website. I type in my address. I thought I'd hit "enter" and maybe it would show my place and then, like, three little dots. Uh-uh.
I live in rapeville.
I live in rapetopia.
There were so many dots that you couldn't even see my house. My house had to like push other dots out of the way.
"I'm here! I'm here!"
It scared the shit out of me. And it wasn't just red dots. There were so many different kinds of colors. It's like, red rapist dots and then, you know, pink pedophile dots. And there's, like blue are rapists who overeact. It was, like, all kinds of weird combinations. And one of the dots were in my building, in my building.
Maybe this is where they all are planning some kind of rape attack, and, like, this is it. And now they feel like I've infiltrated them, like, maybe they're rigged into my computer and the second I hit "enter," one of them's going to open the window: "he knows! The guy in 2b, he knows!"
Do not go to this site. You click on a dot, and it shows you a little picture. And then under the picture, stats, like a rapist baseball card. And if you collect all nine rapists, there's a puzzle on the back. There's a rickety van puzzle on the back with a clown holding a glass dildo.
